New Year

I've always loved new years because it is a time of new beginnings, new possibilities, new dedications to all that is most important. Last year was so hard. This year feels just as hard as we are approaching the anniversary of my dad going to heaven. I don't know why the actual date makes such a difference. We miss him all the time. The "hurt" is always there. But yet, as the date approaches, for some reason, it does seem to get harder. Joshua has been sick. Last night he was having a rough nights sleep. When he finally seemed to be in a deep sleep I got myself to bed, and just found myself sobbing thinking about my dad. Reliving the traumatic moments of last year. Missing him so horribly. I still can't part with the coat I had bought him for Christmas last year even though he only got to wear it once. It had meant so much to me to get a coat that was the warmest but yet the lightest because he was so weak. And he really liked it. It was all part of that day. That last trip to the cancer center that ended him in the hospital once again. We thought we were going home, and he was so happy. But then they whisked him away so fast, and he was so concerned about that coat. It still hurts.  But this year we also have something to hope for. This year is the last Christmas and New Years that Fu Quan will spend in an orphanage. I know this year will probably not be an easy one, full of lots of transition. But I'll take it! Last night as I was sitting with Joshua waiting for him to fall back to sleep, I asked him what he was thinking about. He said "Frankie". "Good or bad?" I asked. I wasn't sure if the thought of having another child in the house, or sharing his room, was starting to trouble him. "All good". he quickly replied. "I just want him home". I agreed. Then I spoke to him about some of the things that might be difficult. He looked up at me and said "I don't care, I just really want him home so bad". He is such a good boy. He is getting older, 10 yrs old already. He hasn't lost that heart. I hope he never does. I'll never forget the time, he wasn't more than 3, something came on the TV showing children around the world that would not have anything for Christmas, and Joshua went and started collecting his toys to send to them. I am so thankful he is going to be going with me to bring Fu Quan home. He needs to see this prayer answered, the way he has hoped. He has experienced so much loss over the past year. So many prayers that weren't answered the way he wanted. He has been praying for this child, his brother, for so long. This year both my sons will see the awesomeness of God and how much he does love them. I wish everyone the very best in the new year. I pray all will be blessed with a love for God and realization of how much he loves each one of us, no matter what.