Birthday Wishes

Frankie turned 10 on August 10th. His birthday was one of the things that had caused us to first know of him. That is the same birthday shared with my dad. It's with mixed emotions that we face the day, missing my dad so much, but so excited for Frankie to have his special day. This birthday was the first time he has ever gotten to celebrate his birthday. He told us it was the first time he ever got a birthday present or cake. He was so excited! He wanted an ice cream cake that had vanilla and strawberry ice cream and a soccer ball on it. Josh had helped me pick out his birthday gift. We started the day off with a little bit of a struggle when he opened his gift and started saying "why did you get me this?! this is not what I wanted!" I watched Joshua's face drop. He was so excited for Frankie to open the present thinking he had gotten exactly what he wanted. Well, I have to say it started out rough, but was all up hill after that. The day turned out great. Joshua worked hard at making sure his brother's first birthday was the best. They love each other. Frankie was disappointed that "father" wasn't going to be home for his birthday. We tried explaining that life on a tugboat can be hard and that dad would sometimes miss out on a lot of great things he wishes he could be here for. He was so cute in making sure there was cake saved for Michael. He was very serious when it was time to sing and blow out the candles. I caught his expression in a few pictures and was curious about it but never asked. As days went by, I kept making a note of how well each day seemed to be going,  commenting on how much fun we were having. At night, I love tucking my kids in. I even dreamed about getting to tuck Frankie in once he was home. Well, it hasn't gone the way I had dreamed it would. Matter of fact, most nights he refuses to get in the bed, rather he kind of lays side ways with his head hanging off one side and his legs hanging off the other. He knows it kind of bothers me, cause I never get to see him looking cozy in the bed like the other kids. I make a comment about how it doesn't look comfortable , but I let him be. I know this is a ridiculous thing. Well, all of a sudden when I checked on him to say good night, he's was in the bed. I let him know how happy it made me to see him looking so comfy in his bed, and he has continued. So, now, what happened yesterday. (I am still very emotional). Frankie is always talking. He is very much a chatter box. He asks questions about everything and just talks pretty much non stop. All in english I have to add, because I think that is just amazing. But yesterday in the middle of everything, he says to me, "Have I been good? The last few days have things been good with me?" I stopped everything to look at him and answer him, "Yes,... yes, it's been great." He said, "That was my wish on my birthday when I blew out my candles." My eyes filled up with tears immediately. I was so.... actually I still don't know what to say. I don't know if I was sad because that was his wish, or happy because he cared, or just totally moved that that had come from his heart. He cared, and he let me know he cared. And then he actually held my hand. The other day we were out and some one slipped their hand in to mine as we were walking. I just figured it was one of the other kids....and when I looked it was Frankie! He hadn't done that since shortly after coming home. These moments make me cry. I am just so happy we are starting to have them! Maybe he's going to start to like me after all. :) I'm feeling very hopeful.

Happy Times

I shared all our struggles. Openly. I want people to think about or be aware of things I didn't give much thought to. I also, want to be able to look back and see how far we have come. I hope it is alright that I was totally honest. I don't want to scare anyone. Things have moved very quickly. He is only home around 4 months. And wow! I have to share some of the amazing, wonderful, good times, where Michael and I have looked at this beautiful boy that is overflowing with joy. The thought of all that has happened in his life in such a short amount of time, and to see the smiles, smiles that didn't exist in the pictures we received from the other side of the world. To be able to be part of such an amazing thing, is such a blessing. He is our son. And he is finally home.

With a fresh cup of coffee in hand I am determined to bring this blog up to the present.  I would have to say one of the toughest things we have dealt with, is something I don't remember giving any thought to at all. I focused all my thoughts on how I was going to love Frankie and build him up, make up for lost time. He arrived seeming very confident and sure of himself and his new surroundings. I prepared for possible tantrums and behaviors. Didn't see any of that. What I didn't give much thought to was discipline. I can not believe how difficult it is to try to discipline a child through a translator or with a language barrier. I have to discipline him. He can not be allowed to be mean with out correction. But oh boy is it difficult, extremely time consuming and frustrating. When disciplining my children I put a lot of effort and thought into my choice of words. Well, that takes on a whole new meaning when half the time you don't even know what the translator is actually saying. That has probably been the single most difficult thing. Although his language has come a long, long way, we still struggle in this area.  And we have been dealing with the struggles involved in religious beliefs. I have been confronted many times with the screams from my other children that Frankie is bowing to statues, or telling them that flying monkeys are god. He has felt it is his job to teach his siblings about what he considers to be god. Which is very opposite who we know as God. Whewwww!  That's all I can say about that. Now personality differences. Before I say this, please take into account I am in the middle of this at this time, and emotions can run high. It's a struggle. It can be very challenging. But not with out hope. And I never question where we are. I know beyond a doubt this was God's plan. I know we are suppose to be a family. I wanted this child home more than anything in the world. I am so grateful for all the miracles and people that got him here and made this a reality. At times I see glimpses of what will be. I think I wasn't aware previously of the possibility that God could have a plan of doing a work in Michael and I, and I guess the kids too, that we were not aware of. I believe Frankie learned certain behaviors through life in the orphanage. He is very strong. Thank goodness. Other wise I don't know how he could have survived what he needed to. He looks out for himself. He never learned what it meant to be part of a family. This includes always putting himself first. Taking the biggest and best of all food, toys, and what ever else is put before the children. I have adjusted how we serve meals, and have provided for him to have great amounts of food. We have revamped how we do most things. Yet it can still be difficult. The kids get upset, and have a hard time understanding why he doesn't think like a team, and only looks out for himself, at a cost to them. Being an adult that understands where this is coming from, it can still be difficult when you are in the midst of it. So I totally get it and understand why the kids are having a tough time with this. He also tends to try to play family members against each other, and will try to get others in trouble or upset. I think that is how you got ahead in the orphanage. Where as my kids that I have raised since birth or shortly after do not understand the "the throw the other under the bus" mentality, so they are hurt by these behaviors. We work daily on reminding him to not say words that will tear someone down, but rather choose words that will build up. I think he is so use to doing this he doesn't even realize how often he says things that hurt. Other times he seems to enjoy that he has that power to do so. He also has the power to build, but so far he uses that in a manipulative way. There is hope in the midst of the storm. There are glimpses of what can be. He loves being part of a family. He never thinks about going back. Doesn't want to. Thank you God. He has amazing survival skills. He can adapt to all situations. I have taken for granted all the years of building qualities in my children, I am so proud of them. I see the difference God has made in their lives. And I know He will do the same in Frankie's. I wish it was going to happen over night. But I realize that is a ridiculous thought. We are making up for almost 10 years. I am very grateful to be given this opportunity. I am grateful beyond belief that God has chosen us to take this journey. Growth is never without struggle. God has a plan. Michael and I didn't give a thought to the possibility that God would be causing us to grow as well. This has been a very humbling journey. I have become very aware of my short comings. I have been out right disappointed in myself at times. I have admitted, "I had no idea I could be this immature". Well, God is pulling those things out, piece by piece. Frankie is not the only one going through God's perfecting fire. We are where we are suppose to be. And we are in His hands.

Adjustments

O.K., now where did I leave off. We were all home. Frankie was loving me, and being so appreciative for everything. I would get big hugs in the grocery for buying him bananas! Life was seeming pretty great. But he did not take to Allie. Allie is my daughter who is also from China. She had probably been the sibling most excited about her new brother coming home. He was from China like her.....she was telling everyone, and she couldn't wait for him to be her brother. I have to admit, I was also very excited for her to have another family member that was Chinese. When he got home she tried so hard to help him with english and getting his needs across. He did not take to this and the more she tried to help him the more he pushed her away. He began to pick her out as a target....and she began to feel his rejection. This caused her to begin having difficulties at school, need lots of extra loving from mom and dad, and overall she began to be sad, then angry. The more Frankie saw he was upsetting her, the more he pushed the limits. He tends to do that still with all of us. If he knows he is upsetting you, he likes to continue with increased determination and joy. He adores Joshua. Which truly is a blessing from God. They have become brothers. But even still if Frankie is doing something that is annoying Josh and Josh asks him to stop, Frankie's response is to get a big smile and do it all the more. Which can I  admit, can be very frustrating. We reached a low point one afternoon, when Frankie got angry at Allie and charged her and began punching her. We quickly intervened....explaining to him that we do not hit and it would not be tolerated, and I have to say he has not hit anyone again. A huge success! His personality is to be very stubborn. I am thinking this trait enabled him to survive his life in the orphanage. He has shared many difficult stories of how hard things were in the past. He is a very brave boy. He doesn't let anything stop him from doing what he wants to. His special need of limb difference is non existent. There is nothing he can't do. I strongly recommend anyone ever considering adopting a child with this type of special need, absolutely do it. They will encourage and inspire you beyond imagine. I had put a lot of thought into what kind of clothes I bought him, including running shoes that didn't have ties. Well, he even ties shoes effortlessly.  I would say the only thing he can't do is tie those little ties inside sweat pants which can be annoying for any of us. So, as the honeymoon stage began to end, I began to have daily interactions with Frankie's teachers as he began refusing to do what he was suppose to do in school. He took things that were not his, refused to sit when the other kids were sitting, and refused to try to do the work. This was always followed up by an evening with the translator trying to discipline through the use of a machine that I was never really sure was saying what I thought it was saying. When we discipline Frankie he shuts down completely. That remains to this day. He refuses to speak, and not really sure he is even listening at those moments, although the use of translators is down to a minimum now, (only 4 and a half months later!) Amazing! I would never have imagined he would pick up English this quickly. All the things I was prepared to struggle with, aren't a struggle at all. Although he wasn't always doing what he was suppose to he continued to love going to school so we let him. But I have to admit, I couldn't wait for summer break. I was feeling we desperately needed time for bonding with in our family. I needed to focus on just that. I reached out for help a couple of times from our adoption agency FTIA, and was given very helpful guidance and advice. I have to say again they are truly wonderful and I am forever grateful to them. I could get really emotional when I think of how they have been there for us before and after his adoption. I am going to post a few pictures of our new son shortly after getting home and will give an update shortly that will bring us up to the present. Thanks so much for following.

A lot of catching up to do.

Wow, it has been a long time since I posted anything. I have wanted to get back on here....to keep a journal to look back on, maybe learn from....to encourage others taking the same path we have chosen.... and just maybe as a means for helping get through the tough spots. And there have been tough spots. I can write this openly because some day when Frankie looks back on this he will no doubt agree there were very tough spots. Maybe it will some how help him, or all of us to read about our journey of becoming a family, with all the lumps and bumps along the way. The trip to China went well. We made our way around and Josh was an awesome helper and grew into an amazing young man right in front of me. Not sure what happened or why but we saw him grow up a bit during that trip. Frankie happily arrived. He was not the shy fearful boy needing encouragement that Josh and I had both anticipated. Rather he was a very happy, very talkative, boy with a take charge personality. He immediately wanted to take charge, of....the hotel room, the computers, the tv, the food.... And the adjustments began. Josh had a very tough time. He's quiet, kind spirited, and doesn't like to be in the limelight. Suddenly his new brother was bringing attention to our little group....and emotions started to show. By the end of the trip I started to see glimpses of hope of this new brotherly relationships, but we were all ready to be home. I wasn't in denial and had already given Michael a heads up that our room plans back home were going to need to be changed and we would be relocating the girls to give Frankie his own room to let Josh keep his space. Two weeks in China sharing a hotel room made Joshua reconsider what he previously thought was a cool idea, was not so much. So shortly after getting home....desperately needing some rest and bonding time....we began redoing the new rooms. Although the rooms are long done....and working out well, the pace has not slowed down yet. After being home for about 2 weeks Frankie was so eager to attend school that we allowed him to go. We are so blessed with a wonderful school, principal and teachers, they made sure he did well, and he absolutely loved it. We began what I now think of as the honeymoon stage. Although I wondered if it was just a stage...I saw this extremely happy, grateful boy, that said "I love you mom" all the time, and figured we were not going to see all those things we had prepared for and prayed about. Michael was having a little tougher time with the adjustments of another new personality in the house, but even that started to smooth out and all was working out really well. (To be continued)