Joshua turned double digits and a new beginning starts

We celebrated Joshua's birthday yesterday. After a very emotional start because half our family is no longer with us this year. Uncle Billy, pop pop and pa were all here for Joshua's 9th birthday. My dad was in the hospital but Joshua insisted on having a birthday pumpkin pie at the hospital with Pop pop. I can't stay on this thought or it will set me off again. But it turned out to be a great day. He was very excited to be "double digits". We went apple picking and had his friend and cousins over, and mema, uncle Jim and Aunt Kathy for dinner and birthday cake. They came after the nerf war was fought through the rooms of the house (thank goodness). I was glad to keep very busy. I don't think I could have made it through the day without being so busy. Joshua was my dad's "buddy". And my dad was Joshua's "best friend". As long as he was still 9, my dad was here when he was 9. But this is the first year my dad is no longer here with him. It's very hard to put into words what a hard time I am having with that. All the things my dad did with and for Joshua. From gourmet breakfasts in the back seat of his car prepared just for him while he drove him to school, endless days at soccer, baseball, and lacrosse fields in all kinds of weather cheering him on, trips to McDonalds, and anywhere Joshua asked him to go... Museums, aquariums, beaches, and parks, swimming in the pools where he taught him and encouraged him to get his arms out of the water, math night and special functions at school, checker games at home. They made bird houses and derby cars for boyscouts, school projects, carved pumpkins at harvest and gingerbread houses at Christmas. My dad was by his side at every function, every day. When we didn't have somewhere to go or something to do he'd just stop in with bananas and milk for the kids and time for a chat. He'd always get an "energy squeeze" from Josh before leaving. That was suppose to help him beat the cancer. That was what Joshua's wish was when he blew out the candles last year. I don't know what he wished this year. Or if he did. My dad was truly very special and a remarkable person. And he loved this little guy so much. They had such an awesome and special bond. And when I showed him Frankie's picture and told him about him. He got excited. One day when we were driving home from somewhere he brought him up again. He wanted to talk about him. He said, "What's the situation you would have with him medically, what's his special need? I told him about his limb difference. He said, "That's it!, That's nothing! If you can work out the finances, you bring him home! It wasn't until a few months later when he was sicker that I told him Frankie shared the same birthday as him. I will never forget the look on his face. He didn't ever say anything and I will always wonder what he was thinking when that look came across his face. I think it meant a lot to him. Or maybe he realized at that moment that this was God's plan that Frankie was suppose to be part of our family. He didn't know we chose to name him Frank Martin. I wish we had made that decision earlier and been able to tell him that. We couldn't move forward with an adoption with my dad so sick. It just wasn't an option. Well, now that I have tears all over the keyboard I have to move on to something very happy, which is what I intended to write tonight. Our letter to Frankie is in Beijing and has been translated and is being mailed to the orphanage he is in tonight (which is tomorrow there). So I guess in about 3 or 4 days he will know what we look like and that we are real. He will get to see his brother, sisters, pets, home, and school. Should I be concerned that he will like us? :) It is hopefully about to become very real for him. Hopefully we are down to the final 4 months. I think that is a pretty good estimate. I need to complete some paper work. I planned on doing that as soon as the kids went back to school but it is still sitting on my to do list. I need to get to it because hopefully we will hear something and be heading to the next step shortly. Well, for anyone that has persevered and is still here I apologize for my long winded entry. Maybe it helped expressing the hurt I've been feeling missing everyone so much lately. Birthdays are tough. I don't have Billy cheering me on at  family functions. He made every thing fun and made you feel what ever it was it would be O.K. Life without my dad, really hard. The other day I was writing at the kitchen table and a car road by and beeped, just like he always did when he passed on his way to the store. The kids would all yell,"there's pop pop!" And we'd all smile. Ten minutes later the doorbell would ring and there would be that NYPD hat in the window. Well, I felt my heart skip a beat. It took my breath away. Followed by many tears. I know we've all been there.... but what I wouldn't give....  It's been getting harder with time, not easier. I feel honored to be able to name one of my son's after him. I don't know how other family members feels about it, but I really need this. I relied on my dad more than I new. I put my first aquarium together today. Joshua got an aquarium for his birthday. I sat looking at all the parts strewn all over the table and the fish looking desperately at me from his temporary small home we had placed him in. I had only so much time before I had to get dinner going, and I thought "I'd be calling my dad right about now". And he'd come right over, put the aquarium together, fix the kitchen light that I have been putting off all week and give everyone hugs before getting back to my mother. I'm trying hard to make him proud. I got that aquarium together...... and it's still running. :) Well, I guess I could keep writing all night, so I better just end with a happy thought. My one little man is now "double digits", and my other little man will be finding out shortly that he has this wacky, but fun, family (and zoo) that loves him very much. Goodnight Frankie, well, it's tomorrow in China now so good morning.